Before I get started on my review and pre-story of seeing SPEED II: CRUISE CONTROL, let me just say this: DO NOT GO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!
It all started Saturday morning waiting for tickets outside some strange travel-genre store in North Austin. 7am, to be precise. There I sat & stood with my lil sister and the 'line people' for three hours till the tickets were handed out. Remember that number, 3 hours! Let me explain a little bit about the 'line people'. These are the most avid filmgoers in the known world. A brother & sisterhood of people obsessed with seeing movies for free, and before the rest of the people of the world. I am proud to call myself, one of the 'line people.' We have waited in 100+ degree heat, snow and frigid temperatures, and pouring down tempest style rain.
For years we were disorganized and were simply unknown to one another. Then we began sharing information. Pooling our resources for the greater cause, THE GROUP. The good of the many... You know the saying. Now we have digital beepers, satelite systems, inside sources, faxes, telephone calls, and secret meetings. We are the 'line people'!!!
How do you become a 'line person'? A member of this top-notch investigative tactical ticket squad? You don't. We will come to you, once you've proven yourself worthy of our fraternal organization, you too will know the true glory of being a line person. Benefits? Well for example, this Saturday my vehicle was in another area of town, so I called up one of the 'line people'. Jan, is her name. And soon transportation was arranged.
A near riot occurred over these Speed passes. You see about 300-400 people showed up, and only the first 45 or so got them. These 45 were of course, the 'line people'.
After I had my ticket, we skip forward to this morning to establish my thought patterns for the day.
I turn on my computer this morning to find out that on KTTV Fox Channel 11 on their GOOD DAY LA morning show, they had a sequence on my web site. In fact it featured the BATMAN & ROBIN reviews that graced Monday's page. Then they had Schumacher denying that the screenings went bad, and then according to the viewers of this program, Schumacher claimed that I arranged the bad reviews.
A big ol smile crossed my face. Folks, I wanna tell you right now. When your e-mail box is flooded with 30 or so individual reviews from various servers, many of which reside in the LA area, all claiming to be at a showing at a specific theater showing a specific film, and detailing the same audience reaction and even the same exclamation from an individual that saw the film. Well then, it's probably true, and most definitely not orchestrated by me. I'll be seeing BATMAN & ROBIN next Tuesday, so look for my review Wednesday morning. I really wish word wasn't so bad. I love George Clooney, Uma Thurmann and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Batman is really really cool. Hell, even Joel Schumacher has made good movies, but well, I'll save it for next Tuesday.
Wow, I was on LA Television and Schumacher had to respond to me, indirectly. Cool way to start the day. Next I read a mountain of email. Answer some questions that struck me as cool. And read the fan mail. I can't respond to nearly all of it though. And some cool stuff comes in. Pretty good day thus far.
I go and have lunch at the fantastic Central Market here in Austin. People point at me while reading that Chronicle Story on me. Sigh. This is a very weird feeling folks. Believe me, limited celebrity isn't all it's cracked up to not be. Then we leave to go to the ARBOR to see SPEED II: CRUISE CONTROL. While parking we hear the evil wheel noise which means we'll have to take the wheel off and beat a piece of metal back in place. Joy!
In line I find out a certain member of the 'line people' a prestigious 'line deputy' (I'll explain another day) named Ron tells me, he read the page this morning. The projectionist at the Arbor comes down and talks a bit with me, and tells me the Alien Resurrection Trailer is attached to the film. COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!!! Then he tells me that last week, Sandra Bullock rented the auditorium to screen SPEED II for her and her assistant. Afterwards she left the theater, with what can only be described as "anger" upon her face. Hmmmm, what does this mean? We'll see. By The Way, she is in town filming a Forrest Whittaker feature with Harry Connick Jr. Yes, I do have spies that are trying to find out if he has some sort of position in the Star Wars films.
I'm psyched to get in and see the movie now. Boy oh boy, me gonna see da Alien Trailer. Cool Cool Cool. Soon we are inside the theater. No major travesties have occurred. I get my seat. 4th row center. If you go into a movie and see me in line, don't sit there. It's my seat. Ok? ok.
Now what was I expecting out of SPEED II: CRUISE CONTROL? Well, I personally feel Jan De Bont makes great first viewing films. You know what I'm talking about right? The type of film that when you see it the first time, you are blown away. But on subsequent viewings you see the smoke and mirrors for what they are. And you see that the substance and coolness you once thought was there is in reality. Nowhere in sight. Personally, if you can take me on a cool ride, then hell strap me in. And that is how I went in for SPEED II: CRUISE CONTROL.
First thing to show was the Trailer for ALIEN RESURRECTION. Starts off with a star field and a creepy voice singing, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" while a big ol military space ship comes from the top left hand side of the screen. We then go in to see a hallway, then a shot of a big canister that opens to show a liquid encased bald Ripley. Then as the guy on my site said yesterday. The trailer goes insane. Shots of various characters, aliens, and Ripley doing things. What things? Well, it goes awful fast. It should probably be on Entertainment Tonight or Access Hollywood this week, so stay tuned to them to see it. Also someone should be monitoring the Alien Resurrection website for the trailer!
Then SPEED II: STARTS. In typical Harry review fashion I won't tell you the plot of the film. But dammit I'm gonna savage this horrible piece of horse manure. It's not even a funny horse manure thing, ya know? For example, this is more like shoveling horse manure on a hot a humid day with no wind. Instead of funny horse manure which is like when you are shoveling that same manure, but a friend falls in it. Both stink, but one is funny. This is mediocre to pedestrian unremarkable end.
I really wanted to like this film, and I'm fairly easy on films. Many of you have savaged me for liking Lost World, Fifth Element and Con Air, but you have to see the difference. In action/adventures I automatically forgive leaps of logic. If there is a plot hole, I fill it myself. But when your head physically hurts, and is pounding in agony while watching a movie, you can't forgive it. In fact changing my tire afterwards was a joy, by comparison. And definitely more thrilling. My jack could fail, the car could have fallen on me, a lightning bolt could have struck my tire iron and given me electric powers. There was all types of drama and action to be had.
Why does this film suck so bad? Well, first off the camera work is horrendous. It's like they gave control to some little 3 year old and told him to jump up and down. My head was pounding, because they were constantly trying to make things exciting by shaking the camera. The villain is awful. I usually love William Dafoe, but he is realllllly bad in this. Sandra Bullock is trying her best, but with no back up. Jason Patric makes Keanu seem like some sort of acting god. SCARY!!! The Mancina music completely sabotages the film. Draining all energy from the film, meanwhile I lauded his work on CON AIR, go figure. The editing was mundane and tedious. The characterizations were trite, and you don't care for anyone, noone, not a soul. If Jeff Goldblum's daughter in LOST WORLD bothered you, wait till you see the deaf/mute girl in this. ARGH!!!! There was no sense of SPEED, of movement. The villain is about as threatening as a three week dead lion carcass with flies a buzzing.
I don't dislike this film. I loathe this film. I can not see one single reason why this film was made. If this is all De Bont is capable of, then glory be to Sony for tanking his plans to take over GODZILLA. This film does not deserve to earn a nickel in theaters this weekend. The worst action film I've seen this year. And I've seen DOUBLE TEAM!!! At least that one was sooooo bad and stupid that I laughed till tears flowed from my eyes. This film was so mediocre that my father fell asleep, and I was yawning the entire time. Personally, I recommend saving your ticket money from this weekend, put it in a jar, and go see Contact one extra time, or Spawn or Air Force One. Reward those films and yourself. This film isn't even a film to bother with on video. I would turn it off if it were on HBO. A vile work of something. It sure is hell ain't a feature film, I'll say that.
In the category of tediously boring, insipid non-action action films set on a idle cruise ship with a passionless romance, and a toothless villain that cost $120+million to make, they don't get any worse than this. Go rent RAISE THE TITANIC, it blows this movie away!!!
