Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you ever seen a movie that hemoragges your brain? One that hurts you? Well, that's what happened when I saw SPECIES the original. The film began with a pretty damn good start, but then... about the time Natasha Henstridge first took the screen, began sucking as hard as a SUXOCLEAN 3000 Vacuum Cleaner! And as the original film progressed it became 10,000 times suckier.
So the reason I went to Species II was to see if it was going to be good for half and suck for the other half like Species... OR would it take up where the last film ended... the pit of hell, and continue to bore down to an even worse valley of crap.
Well... The Valley of Crap it was. First off the jokes you hear about FECES II are not inaccurate. There is this dude with a secret space prick he acquired on Mars who must screw Earth women, impregnating them with his space prick. The Earth woman will have inflato-bellies that peel back like a Giger egg and spurt out Alien children. These mis- gened kids grow fast. And the concept is he's gonna fuck the human race out of existence.
BUT we humans have a secret weapon, a cloned Sil named Eve. That's right it's that space slut, who can sense what space prick is doing, and she wants space prick in her space slit. If I sound a bit crude, that's because the film is that simple. This is a tits and ass fest with some alien dick deep throating action going on, on the side. This is a bad exploitation flick. Not a Jack Hill exploitation film, but one of those piece of shit crappy dung ridden loads of excrement that cost a fortune and delivered one one-thousandth of the pleasure of a COFFY.
In the genre of T & A Sci Fi, I recommend BARBARELLA, FLESH GORDON, GALAXINA, 2069: A SEX ODYESSY and even the horrible FLESH GORDON AND THE COSMIC CHEERLEADERS. For sure the women are hot, but the film sucks soooo bad you feel embarrased to be in the theater. This is a paper sack movie, the sort of film you cut holes in a brown paper sack, put it on your head before exiting your car, you wear it to buy your ticket, watch the film, and you don't take it off till you get back to your own house. SUCKO FILM!!!
So there you have it, the worst of modern sci-fi. Films that depend on effects, but have nothing to back it. No thoughts, no brains, no intellect. Film devoid of coolness. Space Pricks and bouncy cartoon monkies are not what Sci Fi is about. The effort that went into these logs of processed food and corn are so absurd. Lost In Space cost a fortune and what ailed the film didn't cost a penny. It needed a heart, an emotional anchor that rooted the film in our hearts. The original TV series was no work of Shakespeare, it was a goofy camp fun fest, but here that was devoid. There was no real menace, there was no levity, it was quite simply stale. And Species II had a cool lenticular poster that is 10,000 times better than the film itself.
The problem is there is no wonder. Sci Fi used to be something that the characters were stunned by. When they saw an alien, they were shocked, they feared it. When they looked back and saw the Earth eclipsing our sun, they would sigh a sigh of distance. Now it's something that is common place. Sci Fi films should be made, but they should be carefully crafted by filmmakers that can tell you exactly why FORBIDDEN PLANET was cool, why WAR OF THE WORLDS kicked ass and why BOBA FETT is a phenom. They should watch THEM and study how even with the suckiest paper-mache creatures (with the noted exception of the Doug McClure creatures) around, they crafted a story that you forget the effects, you love the STORY. A five-letter word that means more that the number of effects shots, the number of breasts and the names of the stars.
You don't need Movie Stars in Sci Fi, you have aliens, cosmic events, and things that make the audiences' eyes pop open and go ewwwwwwwwwww! These two films followed the porno style of filmmaking. SEX SEX SEX words words words SEX SEX SEX, but instead it was EFFECT EFFECT EFFECT words words words EFFECT EFFECT EFFECT. Producers. Directors. Go back and read a bunch of AMAZING, STARTLING, WONDER, PLANET pulps. Sniff their aged paper and marvel at the stories. Read EC comics, see how simple it would be to turn out a great film. Stop being Hacks!!!
